‘We Suffered in Silence' reveals abusive pastor
A Willows couple has broken the silence about the explosion of domestic violence that hides behind the “protected” doors of the parsonage and the Christian home.
Virginia and Robert Coombs have released “We Suffered in Silence,” which includes the courageous true story penned by deceased author Velva B. Holt, Virginia’s mother, about the devastating abuse she suffered while she was a pastor’s wife and the refusal of Church leaders to acknowledge the problem.
“It has always been taboo to believe that anything as bad as domestic abuse goes on in a Christian society,” said Virginia. “If it was acknowledged, church leaders would use Bible versus to excuse the batterer or transfer the perpetrator to another parsonage.”
The book, which includes resource information co-authored by Virginia and Robert, is published by Xulon Press, the world’s largest Christian publisher, with half the proceeds of the book going to Polly’s Place Network, a shelter for Christian women.
Holt, who passed away four years ago, was involved for many years in women’s ministries, and was an accomplished pianist and music teacher. As an author, she published over 200 Christian articles and poems.
At the same time, she hid the ugly secret of her husband’s emotional abuse and infidelity, which stripped her of her self-worth, identity and respect.
Although the names were changed, Holt’s story tells how she suffered in silence for many years, while trying to no avail to get help from her husband’s employers.
“They didn’t know what to do,” Virginia said. “Because they didn’t know how to deal with the problem, mother was victimized all over again. Her story was never validated.”
As co-authors, Virgina and Robert are passionate about educating and preventing abuse in the Christian society and bringing healing to broken people.
“We want to bring the church away from its depicted role as a club, a cult and a sect, and promote openness, accountability and discipline for the abuser – and safety, love and caring for the abuses,” the co-authors said.
From a daughter’s point of view, Virginia writes that as children, it is difficult to take sides in the marital problems of parents, nor should children have to.
“Victims want to have a reason for the abuse,” said Virginia. “There is never an excuse for the behavior, but there are reasons. Only when you understand the reasons, can healing begin.”
In her father’s case, the reasons were sexual addiction, stress and insecurity.
“I loved my father, but I couldn’t love his choices,” Virginia said. “His choices cost him the only real love that was right in front of him all the time. That today isn’t what has to happen. Perpetrators need to be held accountable. Only then can the victims be protected and healing can begin.”
In his chapter, “The blameless Man,” Robert, a retired social worker and counselor for Glenn County, suggests ways in which pastors and Christian men can avoid stress and addictive behaviors. He also recommends that church and religious organizations require accountability for their members and employees who are abusive and offer guidance to those who are having problems.
“In past years, the most common way to deal with a pastor with problems was to move him out of that church and place him in a different church,” Robert said. “That needs to change. Church organizations must do what ever it takes to protect the victim, using law enforcement if they have to or professional counseling.”
As a supplement to the book, Mable Dunbar, Ph.D shows that a broken woman or man can be repaired.
“No one should have to suffer in silence anymore,” Virginia said. “By reading this book you can take the first step to breaking the silence. No more hiding. No more shame.”
The Coombs’ book, “We Suffered in Silence” is available at the Willows Pharmacy or online.
A book signing will be held at the Willows Library at 2 p.m. on Nov. 22.
