Ron Hart: Calling the shots from a cave

Osama bin Laden, who makes more disturbing tapes than Paris Hilton and is similarly fighting to remain relevant, reappeared recently to take credit for the Nigerian crotch bomber's failed mission to Detroit. I predict that in his next missive, Osama will claim responsibility for moving Jay Leno to the 10 p.m. time slot on NBC.

Osama has so many tapes out there that you can now buy them all from a late-night commercial, and they will throw in a special spring break video, "Jihad Girls Gone Wild," for free! Collect the whole set!

First bin Laden sent the bumbling shoe bomber, Richard Reed, and, now this guy. You have to give Osama credit; he somehow convinced these two genius jihadists that they could start out in al Qaeda as suicide bombers and work their way up in the organization. Osama was smarter. I hear he started out in the al-Qaeda mail room and worked his way up through Operations.

U.S. "intelligence" says bin Laden is still living in the Pakistan border region. However, that does not mean that he doesn't like to slip into Afghanistan from time to time for a musical or a concert, or to enjoy an elegant dinner with his wives. Maybe he prefers living in the Pakistan suburbs for the schools and lower taxes. He was recently quoted as saying, "There is less Shiite to put up with out here."

Osama is reportedly still the wealthiest person in the tribal area. It speaks volumes about their form of capitalism and government when the richest guy lives in a cave. Why are we so scared of these people?

It was the same thing with Saddam Hussein. He was found unbathed and in dirty underwear, with just a hot plate and some canned food, in his "home." Seeing the pictures, I had flashbacks. Add an empty Jack Daniels bottle, an overdue electric bill, a beanbag chair, and a pile of Penthouse and Mad magazines, and it could have been my grad school apartment.

The U.S. has spent 4,000 heroic lives and a trillion dollars we do not have in these wars; however, our F-16 jets have inflicted more than 185 dollars worth of damage to Afghanistan. I have a relative there who says that Afghanistan is like a walk through the Old Testament. The only good thing Barack Obama stood for and promised during his campaign was to get us out of these wars of choice. He has not, and I am bitterly disappointed.

Much of the crotch bomber's motivation was based on frustration with the ladies, so he fell prey to the silly "72 virgins" promise. Thanks to the promiscuity of our young women here, we have alleviated such young male sexual frustration and avoided homegrown terrorists.

So ladies, thank you. You are our first line of defense in this war on terror! Keep up the good work!

If you are trying to blow up a city and have people notice, Detroit would not be a good choice. That city embodies all that Barack Obama wants for the rest of us: years of Democratic governing, strong unions, high taxes, and an NEA-controlled, failing school system. It is his template for our country. Detroit is so blighted that a jet falling from the sky might actually increase property values. Odds are the plane would be cut up for parts in chop shops there before the NTSB could reach the crash scene.

I do not doubt that Obama will allocate $15 billion of the leftover "stimulus" money to compensate Detroit and its unions for the repair jobs lost when the Northwest Airlines jet failed to crash into the city. If he can say he "created or saved" a million jobs after we have actually lost four million, then he can easily justify the $15 billion. Apparently no one in the White House will tell him he is wrong.

Here is my idea to help our 16 government agencies catch Osama bin Laden. Based on what we know about him (he is 6'5", has 52 brothers and sisters, has fathered 40 kids with at least five different women all by himself, and he carries guns) they might want to make sure he is not playing in the NBA. I would suggest checking the LA Clippers, as no one else pays attention to who they have on their team. It would be the perfect place to hide.

Ron Hart is a southern libertarian columnist whose weekly column about politics and life appears Saturdays. Contact him at RevRon10@aol.com.